Saturday morning we were packing up and getting ready to head to Charlotte, NC to visit my brother and his wife.  Suddenly, I became overwhelmed with sadness and looming regret at the thought of not attending my grandma’s funeral.  The tears came like waterworks and called my parents just before they boarded their own flights and told them how I felt and that I was going to try to catch a flight out of Charlotte and meet them in Little Rock, AR.  Through a series of phone calls, my brother decided to do the same and we ended up boarding a flight together, out of Charlotte, just a few hours later. 

Thanks to the world wide web, I contacted my cousin in Little Rock, whom I ashamedly, haven’t seen in almost eight years.  She and her husband picked us up from the airport at 9:00pm and graciously opened their home to us.  It’s been so wonderful and refreshing to spend time with my family these past few days.  On Sunday, we all spent the day at my aunt and uncle’s house.  We played the Wii, shared stories of our grandparents, and snacked on all the food that was being continuously dropped off by neighbors and friends. 

I am so glad I’m here.

The funeral was today at noon.  It was an open casket.  There were only about 20 people there, but it was very sweet.  My grandma looked beautiful; nothing like the grandma I saw in the nursing home, just five days ago.

My mom was only 17 when her mother died.  She has always called my grandma, “Mom”.  She has taken care of her, since her health has deteriorated, and loved her like she was her own mother.  I believe the death of my grandma brought back many of the emotions she felt when she lost her own mother. 

My brother and I sat on the front row with our parents, my Dad’s sister, and her husband.  My mom only weighs about 125 lbs, but her weeping was so, that the entire pew was shaking.  It broke my heart.  When she approached the casket at the end of the service, to ‘say good-bye’, she held my grandma’s hands, wept and wept, and gently kissed her forehead.  I thought we were going to have to pull her away, but she did finally let go. 

The grave-side time was short and sweet.  We took a few flowers from the arrangements and went to lunch as a family. 

I was able to change my flight so I can fly right back into Augusta tomorrow, rather than flying back to Charlotte with my brother tonight, spend the night with them, and then wait for my parents to pick me up tomorrow and drive three and a half hours back to Augusta.  I miss Josh and the boys and I can’t wait to see them.  It has been such a blessing to know that my sister-in-law has been sleeping in the guest bedroom and helping Josh with the boys since I’ve been gone, and of course my in-laws are just 15 minutes away.  They have taken care of everything at home and have taken a huge burden off my shoulders since I’ve been gone.

I have some great little stories to share from the airport and flights, but I’ll save those for tomorrow’s post.  🙂    For now, I’ll enjoy my last quiet, relaxing night with my relatives. 

~audrey in Arkansas

I hope you’re prepared for this.  You’re about to learn more about me than you ever wanted to know.

First, something serious….

…I called my mom just as they were leaving Papa’s nursing home this evening.  First they took him to the little chapel inside his nursing home and told him that Grandma had passed this morning, then they took him to the funeral home where he got to say his own good-bye’s to the woman he loved for more than 55 years.  Mom said the funeral home did an absolutely excellent job ‘making up’ my grandma.  Her make-up was flawless, her wig was beautifully set and combed just like Grandma used to wear it; she looked like the Grandma we always knew, nothing like what we saw this week.

I asked my mom how Papa took it.

“He wept.”, she said, “He cried and cried.”

I tried to keep it together over the phone, like I always do.  I don’t know why that is.  Why do I hate for people to see/hear me cry?  I used to cry all the time.  I suppose it could be because so many people depend on ME to be the strong one; the one with the plan; the one to give the ‘silver lining’.  I don’t know.  I think it’s a ‘first born’ thing.  Either way, I kept quiet as the hot tears streamed down my face for the hundredth time today.

Then she said, “It’s funny you should call. We were just talking about you, honey.”

“Oh?” I said, knowing that something was going to follow that statement.

And I was right.

“Yeah, I farted in the car and your dad almost drove off the road!  He said, “Good Lord woman, there’s only one person in the world whose farts smell that bad and that’s your daughter!”

HAHAHAHAHA!!!  That was the first time I’d laughed in a few days.  It felt good.

And Josh will be glad to know I come by that trait honestly.

Bless his heart!

I probably just blew any misconceptions you had about me–out the window!!   I hope it made you smile too.  🙂

~audrey

Surprisingly, I’m not very sore from yesterday’s workout.

I did indeed weigh-in this morning and the results pleased me:  205.5

Down 5.5 lbs. for the first week.  Not bad at all considering I made a few bad food choices throughout the week and only began exercising yesterday.

I’m hoping for another good loss next week since I’ll have a full seven days of working out under my belt.  I need to take my measurements as well so I have something besides pounds by which to measure my success.

On another note.  My grandmother passed away at 4:00am this morning.  She has been in kidney failure for over two years.  The doctors gave her weeks to live…two years ago.  She was a tough fighter.  She and my ‘Papa’ were married on New Year’s Eve, 55 years ago.  Papa is still alive and in a nursing home near my parents.  My Papa hasn’t been able to speak since having a major stroke two weeks before my wedding, eight years ago.  My heart breaks as I think of my parents delivering this devastating news to him this afternoon.  He’ll have no way to communicate what he’s feeling; except tears.  Throughout the last eight years, my grandma took good care of my Papa.  Even when they were separated into two different facilities in order to meet each of their medical needs, his eyes would light up when she would come to visit him.

When the stroke took his speech, he lost the ability to say anything clear enough to understand.  He would try to talk to you, but you simply couldn’t make out the words.

There was one exception;  every single time my Papa saw my Grandma, he would grab her hand, or put his hand on her leg and say,

“My Baby”

Nothing else came out right except for that one phrase, for that one special person.

Grandma took a turn for the worse on Tuesday.  Selfishly, I prayed she would make it through the night so I could see her on Wednesday and say my good-bye’s.  She did it.  She pulled through Tuesday night.  She was in agonal breathing, her blood pressure was around 60/30, and her chest was slowly filling with fluid.  She no longer had the ability to suck anything through a straw and if you put drops of fluid or medicine in her mouth with a spoon, she would choke because she was too weak to cough.

What I saw when I walked through the door of her room was not my grandma as I remember her.  She had but a few frail hairs left on her head.  She weighed a sickly 75 lbs.  She looked like a skeleton dressed in a thin layer of skin.  When we walked into her room, she looked me right in the eyes and whispered, “You scared me.”  I smiled and apologized.  I told her how much I loved her how glad I was that I was able to come and see her.  She never said another word.  She was fading fast.  I doubted she would make it through another night.

My brother was coming from North Carolina to see her on Thursday, praying she’d still be there.  Once again, she surprised us all and made it to Thursday.  My brother and dad went to see her in the nursing home on Thursday.  My dad decided to have her moved to Hospice House Thursday afternoon.  There, she would have one on one care and a large room with a pull-out sofa so someone could stay with her if they wanted to.  Once she arrived at Hospice House, her chest began filling with more fluid and her blood pressure continued to fall.  Within a few hours, she took her final breath.  Now, she is rejoicing in heaven with a new body, no diabetes, a head full of beautiful hair, and brand new kidneys.

I rejoice with you Grandma.

My grandma will be buried in Arkansas, where she and my Papa have cemetery plots, side by side.   My parents looked at plane tickets yesterday and couldn’t find a single flight for less than $800 per person.  Not knowing when she’d pass, they didn’t purchase their tickets.  This morning, my mom went online to the very same website and found a flight that wasn’t even listed yesterday.  There were two tickets remaining, side by side, round trip, for $180 per person.  Isn’t God so good?

Please pray for my parents and my Papa over the next several days.  Papa isn’t healthy enough to fly, so he’ll be alone while my parents go to Arkansas to bury my grandma.  My brother and I are unable to travel to Arkansas, so Josh and I have decided to take the boys and go see my brother and his wife in North Carolina tomorrow.

Have a blessed weekend.

~Shirleen’s granddaughter.

I suppose step one was deciding once and for all that I have to do something about my weight and then posting all of that nonsense for all the world to see.

For me, step two was moving my treadmill from the garage to the living room. Then, while I was at the grocery store today, I ran into a high school friend whose little girl is in kindergarten with Jesse. She, too, is exercising and losing weight and told me I HAD to get Jillian Michael’s “30-Day Shred” video. I found it for $9, bought it, and also bought two hand weights to get started. I’m so excited! My first goal with the treadmill is to use it for 30 minutes a day. I figure, even if I get two 15-minute walks/runs while watching cartoons with the kids, it will be a great start. After all, right now…I don’t get ANY exercise. In fact, I get winded after walking up a flight of stairs. It’s a pain in my back to bend over and pull a whole load of clothes out of the washing machine.

That is just absolutely ridiculous!

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in.  🙂

~audrey

Okay, I said I would post six goals for 2010 according to the categories that Dave Ramsey recommends, so here they are:

CAREER: As a foster parent, I hope to receive a new placement of children that we are able to help long-term. I’ve even considered checking out DFCS and seeing what it would take to be a foster parent for them, instead of the private agency we’re working with now, so we could have ONE foster child, rather than two or more. (our agency specializes in keeping siblings together, so they never see families with only one child. those cases are placed through other agencies.)

FINANCIAL: We are starting Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University at church this coming Sunday. We plan to be debt-free except for our mortgage within 24 months!

SPIRITUAL: I want to show my children what it looks like to have a servant’s heart. I also want to read my Bible more, both in my quiet time and as a family. I want to use Biblical perspective more regularly when disciplining and correcting my children. I’ve gone through seasons when I’ve been very consistent with Biblical correction, but lately, I’ve regressed back to raising my voice, spanking often, and sending them to their rooms without really getting on a heart level with them. That has to change.

INTELLECTUAL: I want to read more. I love to read, but I don’t make time for it as much as I should. I would like to keep a goal of finishing one book per month.

PHYSICAL: I would like to lose 50 lbs. this year. That is less than 1 lb. per week! That would be a slow steady loss and put me back in single digit sizes by Christmas! That is very realistic and attainable! Not only that, I want to be more active this year…on a regular basis.

FAMILY: Josh and I would really love to add another baby to our family this year. As strange as it sounds, the thought of pregnancy gives me a huge boost of motivation to lose weight and become active. I want to enjoy my next pregnancy; it could be my last. I love being pregnant, but it’s no fun when you’re 50 pounds overweight.

I also want to consciously enjoy my family more. I hope we can slow down and spend more quality time together. I want to be better ‘friends’ with my children, laugh with them more, and have more FUN with my husband. I’ve definitely taken life way too seriously in the last year and it’s time to loosen up!

2010 is going to be a fun and successful year!

What are your goals?

~audrey

The batteries in my scale died back in November.

I’m one of those people who weighs myself every single morning, even when I’m fat. I don’t even know why I do it anymore. The numbers are depressing and it hasn’t seemed to be enough to motivate me to make the numbers go down, so I don’t even know why I still OWN a scale!

However, there’s nothing quite like a picture of yourself, posted on FACEBOOK, to bring you back to reality—quick. I loved the shirt I was wearing on December 20, 2009. It was the morning of our Christmas program at church and I had gotten a new shirt and paired it with black pants and black boots…hoping to look as ‘not large’ as possible. Apparently the mirrors in my house LIED, because THIS is what everyone else saw:

Hence the title: “Holy” “Cow”!!

The saddest part is, this is what I looked like four short years ago…after already having had two children in sixteen months:

I was about 140 pounds in this picture. A comfortable size 6.

By the end of that year, I believe I had gotten up to about 155. It all went downhill from there. Josh was in school, we lived in a garage apartment at my in-laws’ while he finished school. I was nannying for a widower with two kids, 48 hours a week. We began trying to get pregnant again and it wasn’t happening. I think I just stopped caring. I was so focused on surviving during that time in our lives, I just didn’t pay attention anymore.

Believe me, there were plenty of people around me reminding me of my escalating weight. But for some reason, that just made me shut down even more. My mother would say something about my weight every single time I saw her. A lady at church actually gave me a hug and whispered, “Honey, how much more weight are you gonna gain?” Even my sweet husband would hint around about my increasing size; that probably hurt the most. But when you get to a point where losing a mere 20 lbs will no longer make a dent in your overall goal, it’s very depressing and you begin to feel hopeless.

Every season I was having to buy new clothes. First it was the transition out of the single digit sizes. Then I went from a 10 to a 12, and by the time I got pregnant with Owen in 2006, I weighed 182 lbs.

And now, two and a half years since having my last child, I’ve settled into a routine of bad habits and not taking care of ‘me’. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how I’ve gained so much weight and kept it on:

Too much of the wrong foods, eaten at the wrong times (late at night), mixed with no exercise, equals FAT.

It’s gotten to the point that I am terrified of seeing people from my past when I go to the grocery store or the mall. I literally get nauseous and begin to shake when I see that someone has posted a picture of me on Facebook, for fear that someone will see it that hasn’t seen me since I’ve gained so much weight.

So. Enough is enough. I’m ready. For real.

I’m doing this, once again, for accountability. Never in my life would I have imagined that I’d post that horrific picture of myself, along with my weight, for all the world to see. But really at this point, what difference does it make? I am what I am right now and I’m never going to change that by doing the same things I’ve been doing for the past few years. The time is now.

I replaced the batteries in my scale on December 31, 2009. I stepped up and read the results:

211.

Immediately, I began eating better and stopped eating after dinner. I’m drinking more water, and I’m hoping to move our treadmill out of the garage and into the LIVING ROOM for the next several weeks. I will start weighing in and posting a weekly update every Friday. Please pray for me. I want to be healthy. I want to set a good example for my children. I don’t want to fear my husband walking in on me while I’m changing clothes.

I have to do this.

~audrey

Jesse cried all the way to school this morning. He thought that he got to stay home and homeschool after Christmas break, so he was quite upset and disappointed when I told him he still has four and a half months left. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do next year. I may ‘pre-register’ both boys at Augusta Christian and pray about it over the summer. A lot of it will depend on whether or not we have another foster placement and what kind of flexibility we have at that point. Another big decision we’re praying about is the possibility of having another baby in 2010. I really haven’t had ‘baby fever’ in quite a while. Ashley had the twins and we were deeply involved in the process to become foster parents all of last year, so my mind never really went there. But now that everyone is having their babies and I was privileged to have Baby Girl for five weeks, I’m really wanting another baby. I can’t believe Owen is two and a half. He’s such a sweet and mellow kid. I know the boys would absolutely LOVE for me to have another baby and that makes me want to do it even more. We’ll see. If God gives us more foster children soon, then we may wait and see where that leads before trying to get pregnant. I’ll certainly keep you posted. 🙂

Today is a very exciting day for me. The first Monday of the new year. I have my lesson plans completed for this month and I plan to get my house back on the FlyLady schedule. I stripped the beds this morning, unloaded the dishwasher, and had my quiet time; all before 8:00am.

I’m still working on my goals for 2010, so I’ll post them when I finish the list.

Happy Monday!

~audrey

I feel like such a bad, bad blogger.

Surely it’s been over a week since I last sat at the computer?!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and are ready to face the New Year!! I had to laugh at my friend Kelli because she asked her readers a question and I thought for sure I was the only one with selfish, self-centered, ungrateful kids. This is what she asked,

“Please tell me I’m not the only one who have kids that have already broken a new Christmas toy and have uttered the words “I’m bored.”

No, Kelli, you most definitely are NOT the only one with kids like that. It makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated, and confused. I mean, where have we gone wrong? I certainly can tell you that our children have WAYYYYYYYY more than we ever had at this age. It was completely un-heard-of to eat fast food regularly when I was growing up. McDonald’s was a very special place that we only drove thru when we were going on REALLY long road trips and sandwiches simply wouldn’t last in the cooler without getting soggy. And when I say REALLY long road trips, I’m not talking about 5 or 6 hours in the car! My grandparents were ALWAYS a 12-15 hours away, and flying was not an option. There were no Starbucks Coffee shops on every corner, kids played OUTSIDE most of the year, and you only got new toys at Christmas and on your birthday…and even then, it was SOME new toys, not an entirely new TOYBOX full of toys.

I have to admit, our family did awesome this year. We have really stressed our feelings about the boys receiving too much at Christmas and everyone really has listened. This year, the boys got a FEW toys each and the family was given several new games and movies. When I got home from Christmas, I reorganized our game closet and, being the list QUEEN that I am, I took inventory so I could keep a running list of what games we have. The grand total….twenty-six games! I am beyond excited. My boys have hardly sat in front of the television for more than 10 minutes since Christmas.

Well, this is not what I intended this post to become, but, too late now.

I will say that I’ve finally gotten the wind back in my sails and I am beginning to recognize my old house again. I simply did not have time or motivation to get things back in order after the foster children left. We had the last week of school, Christmas shopping, cars to be repaired, family to visit, cookies to bake, blah, blah, blah……but FINALLY, I’ve had this entire week to stay home and CLEAN, do laundry, reorganize, make bags for Goodwill (I imagine this is the BEST time of the year to shop at Goodwill!).

My dad had surgery on his neck this past Monday, so the kids and I are about to load up (after a much needed shower) and spend the day taking care of him.

Double date with the Baileys on Saturday….VERY EXCITED!!

Diet starts Monday.

haha.

~audrey

Years ago my brother-in-law started calling the day before Christmas Eve, Christmas Adam….because Adam came before Eve. haha.

So, today is Christmas Adam and I’m scurrying around with my to-do lists and unwrapped presents and a pile of laundry that doesn’t appear to be getting smaller no matter how many loads I do!

I got a very exciting phone call a few hours ago, as I was waxing my chin, lip, under my chin, basically half my face eyebrows. It was my mother-in-law and she was calling to see if she could pick up the boys and take them for the rest of the day and into the evening….um, YES!!! I think I heard angels singing as I began to realize how much I’d be able to get done in a short amount of time if my house was EMPTY! Oh how nice it will be to leave town tomorrow and know that my house will be clean and there won’t be ANY piles of laundry waiting for me when I get back. I think Josh and I may even have to plan a little date night tonight. I’m SO excited!

I don’t have a clue what we’ll do, but it will be fun and relaxing no matter what it is! Unfortunately, if we decide to actually GO somewhere, we will be spending a lot of time in the car because traffic at night is INSANE right now with less than 48 hours left to shop!

Are you familiar with Dave Ramsey? He has a show on the Fox Business Channel and is the author and creator of the Total Money Makeover, where he encourages readers to get out of debt, pay cash for everything and be a ‘slave to no man’. Anyways, he has challenged his readers/watchers to not create New Year’s resolutions, but rather create a list of goals for the coming year. Attainable, beneficial goals in the following areas: career, financial, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and family. Over the next week, I’m going to create my goals for each of those catagories and I will post them on New Year’s Day.

At breakfast this morning, Owen said (with a mouthful of eggs and grits) “happy kwimmus (Christmas) Mommy!” He’s so darn cute.

Happy Kwimmus everyone!
Less that 48 hours until Christmas!!

~audrey

Of course we’ve all heard of, and some have experienced first hand, the Terrible Two’s.  It’s like someone whispers in your sweet little 24 month old’s ear,

“okay little buddy, you just turned two, time to let it rip!  you’ve got at least 12 months to go buck wild and get into anything and everything you can.  hurry up and get started! …oh, and you should add a little attitude too!”

SSOOOoooo…Ashley and I have had two, two year olds this year and it’s been loads of fun, lots of laughs, and definitely never a dull moment.  Today alone, Jonathan and Owen gave me more than enough material to make a great post on our adventures with two, two year olds.

First there was this:

I opened the fridge to put some groceries away and I found five cars on top of the turkey lunchmeat.  See, Joshua and Jesse both got a new ‘color shifter’ hot wheels car.  The kind that change color if you dip them in cold water (or put them in the fridge for a little bit).  I guess Owen had seen them do this before and thought that surely ALL hot wheels change color if you store them in the fridge…hence the refrigerated hot wheels.  He was disappointed when I made him take all of them out and explained that HIS hot wheels would not change color. 

After lunch, I decided to make some coffee.  I figured Owen and Jonathan would get a kick out of me squirting some whipped cream in their mouths, so I called them into the kitchen.  I squirted just a little in both of their mouths and watched them giggle and enjoy their little treat….until I turned back around as I heard Ashley gasp…Jonathan decided he didn’t want his whipped cream, but figured Owen would like it, so he spit his out (sort of in the shape of an egg), gave it to Owen, and Owen gladly accepted and put it in his mouth…BARF!!!  If only they could share their toys as well as they share spit, germs, and other gross bodily fluids.

Ashley and I were finally relaxing in the living room, each holding a twin while the bigger kids played outside.  We could hear Owen and Jonathan playing well together in one of the bedrooms, so we weren’t concerned.  I got up to check on them a few minutes later and I found Jonathan STANDING on top of the chest of drawers in the guest room!!  I gasped and said very sternly, “JONATHAN, GET DOWN!”  With not an ounce of fear, he looked up at me with a huge Curious George smile and HURLED himself onto the nearest bed.  Ironically, Jonathan probably gets hurt the least out of all six of the bigger kids.  How he manages that; I’ll never know.

We had a blast with the Baileys and the Grahams today.  We had lunch together, the kids played outside, and they each made a hand print ornament (three days before Christmas).  Here are Joshua, Jesse, and Owen’s finished products:

I’ve had a few people ask how my arm is doing (thank you for asking!), so here is a picture from today:

My arm is 90% better!  All the swelling is gone and I couldn’t drain anything else out of it by Saturday.  The center is still red and peeling and there is still a small knot under the skin, but I’m pretty sure the infection is over and gone.  That was a strange experience that I hope to never repeat.  yuck.

 Merry Christmas everyone!!  I know I’ll be writing that again over the next three or four days, but I just had to say it.  I feel like I’m finally getting into the Christmas spirit…with only four days left to enjoy it.  oh well.  such is life.

~audrey