The scale was kind to me this morning. No change from last week, and I’m satisfied with that after the week I’ve had.

My January goal is to workout with “Jillian’s 30-Day Shred” at least three times a week and walk/run (outside) at least once a week. My other goal is to be out of the 200’s by January 29th (my last weigh-in for January). I can do that.

I have a killer headache, so I’m going to go lay down. Have a great weekend!!

~audrey

We just started Financial Peace University at church last Sunday. I am SO excited about getting out of debt and on our way to financial freedom. We have already read through Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover” and loved it. Unfortunately, life happens, and our debt snowball hasn’t ever gotten any momentum. We are more than ready to make the sacrifices it’s going to take to get out of debt and finally build our savings and retirement. Two of my favorite quotes by Dave Ramsey are:

“Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.”

and

“Normal is broke. Be weird!”

He stresses how important it is for both spouses to be equally as committed and enthusiastic. I’m so thankful that Josh is the one who pushed for us to sign up for FPU. I’ve already found myself saying no to little things that I have always said yes to. For example, yesterday, I got a call from a friend asking if I’d like her to pick up a coffee for me at Starbucks before she comes over. Normally my response would be, “YES, thank you! I’ll pay you back when you get here.” But instead I said no. When she arrived at my house, she had a coffee for me! Starbucks made her the wrong drink by mistake, told her to keep the wrong one and also made her a new one! I had no doubt that that was a sweet little blessing for my obedience in saying no.

I just posted my treadmill for sale on Facebook. I know it isn’t the wisest thing to sell your treadmill when you just committed to lose a LOT of weight, but I feel it is something that I need to do to jump start our saving and debt reduction.

I also checked prices and we’ve decided to cancel our cable and switch from Comcast to Knology for internet in order to save over 60% per month.

This is a good start. 🙂

Tomorrow–week two weigh-in. I’m scared. Very scared. It’s been a long, rough week of traveling, eating out with family, and ‘funeral food’ (you know, food that neighbors and family bring over when a loved one dies—never healthy, always comfort foods and junk food—bad.bad.bad.). WE’LL SEE!

~audrey

I haven’t flown in five years, so I was actually pretty excited to get on a plane last Saturday.  Most of all, I really love airports.  I like the smells, the book stores, the hustle and bustle, and the array of people.  I could sit and ‘people watch’ all day at an airport.

It’s funny though, how much my feelings toward ‘interesting looking’ people have changed in light of our nation’s security issues.  For example, there was a man in a black trench coat sitting behind me at the gate in Charlotte.  He was on his cell phone speaking Russian and sounding quiet, yet angry.  Hmmm.  That made me a little nervous.  Then there was the man in Atlanta, dressed in a three piece suit, with sunglasses on (it was 7:30pm and dark outside, not to mention–HE was inside!) and a weird tatoo down the side of his neck.  Creepy.

The whole experience was certainly heightened thanks to my traveling buddy, Donald; my brother.  He is quite a people person.  Donald could spark up a conversation with a brick wall.  He also has an amazing ability to make people smile…or at least respond…when it LOOKS like you’re talking to a brick wall.  Here’s an example:

We were going through security in Charlotte on Saturday and there was a good-looking black guy checking ID’s and tickets.  He had a name badge on and it was clear to me what his name was, but Donald wanted to get this guy talking.  He was NOT interested.  Donald was overly friendly, asking how the guy’s day was going, whether or not he liked his job, and finally, “Hey man, how do you pronounce your name?”  The response he got was, “Have a nice day sir.”  It was clear this guy was not interested in Donald’s friendship.  🙂

So, Donald pretended not to hear that and asked again, “How do you pronounce your name?”  The guy sat up straight, looked him right in the eye and said, “Java.”  Yep, just as I suspected.  Java.  Exactly how it’s spelled.  I’m just SO thankful it didn’t hit Donald’s funny bone and warrant a response like, “Wow, your mom must have really liked coffee!”

Once we boarded our flight in Charlotte, the flight attendant approached the only man lucky enough to be an the exit row and asked if he had any questions regarding his responsibilities.  The man seemed nervous to have all of our lives in his hands (assuming he won’t actually have to DO anything).  He said, “Um, I haven’t flown in a long time ma’am.  Where is the inflatable life raft located?  (I’m assuming he had visions of the Hudson River landing dancing through his head).  The flight attendant smiled and said, “Sir, if we go down between Charlotte and Atlanta, a life raft won’t help us.”  Donald and I laughed hysterically from four or five rows back.

Once in Atlanta, we had about an hour before our flight would leave for Little Rock.  I was tired and it was stifling hot in the airport.  I plopped down next to the window and the coolness coming off the glass was quite appealing.  Hoping no one was paying attention to me, I slowly slid down and back and smooshed my face against the glass.  Ahhh, it felt good.  Nice and cool.  I’m sure there was a giant foggy spot surrounding my hot face and head, but I didn’t care.

On the way home yesterday, I was fortunate enough to be on the same flight as my parents from Little Rock to Atlanta.  We were very excited to be together and to be on our way home.  We were about 20 minutes from the Atlanta airport when the captain came over the speaker with this:  “Ladies and Gentlemen, we just received news that air traffic control in Atlanta is down and we will need to circle Rome, Georgia for a while.  We have concerns about low fuel levels, so we may need to divert to a closer airport to refuel.  We’re hoping to arrive in Atlanta within an hour.”

Well, that would cause all of us to miss our connecting flights.  Ugh!

Somehow, about 15 minutes later, the captain came back on the speaker as if he never even said the thing before and informed us that we would be landing in Atlanta in ten minutes.  We all made our flights.

It was so good to be home.  I felt like a kid coming home from summer camp as I waited out front at the little Augusta airport for Josh to pick me up.   Icing on the cake; my Christmas present finally arrived while I was gone and Josh had it with him with a big smile on.  🙂  It’s beautiful.  Here is what it looks like, except it has MY kids’ names on it:

Happy Wednesday everyone!

~audrey

Saturday morning we were packing up and getting ready to head to Charlotte, NC to visit my brother and his wife.  Suddenly, I became overwhelmed with sadness and looming regret at the thought of not attending my grandma’s funeral.  The tears came like waterworks and called my parents just before they boarded their own flights and told them how I felt and that I was going to try to catch a flight out of Charlotte and meet them in Little Rock, AR.  Through a series of phone calls, my brother decided to do the same and we ended up boarding a flight together, out of Charlotte, just a few hours later. 

Thanks to the world wide web, I contacted my cousin in Little Rock, whom I ashamedly, haven’t seen in almost eight years.  She and her husband picked us up from the airport at 9:00pm and graciously opened their home to us.  It’s been so wonderful and refreshing to spend time with my family these past few days.  On Sunday, we all spent the day at my aunt and uncle’s house.  We played the Wii, shared stories of our grandparents, and snacked on all the food that was being continuously dropped off by neighbors and friends. 

I am so glad I’m here.

The funeral was today at noon.  It was an open casket.  There were only about 20 people there, but it was very sweet.  My grandma looked beautiful; nothing like the grandma I saw in the nursing home, just five days ago.

My mom was only 17 when her mother died.  She has always called my grandma, “Mom”.  She has taken care of her, since her health has deteriorated, and loved her like she was her own mother.  I believe the death of my grandma brought back many of the emotions she felt when she lost her own mother. 

My brother and I sat on the front row with our parents, my Dad’s sister, and her husband.  My mom only weighs about 125 lbs, but her weeping was so, that the entire pew was shaking.  It broke my heart.  When she approached the casket at the end of the service, to ‘say good-bye’, she held my grandma’s hands, wept and wept, and gently kissed her forehead.  I thought we were going to have to pull her away, but she did finally let go. 

The grave-side time was short and sweet.  We took a few flowers from the arrangements and went to lunch as a family. 

I was able to change my flight so I can fly right back into Augusta tomorrow, rather than flying back to Charlotte with my brother tonight, spend the night with them, and then wait for my parents to pick me up tomorrow and drive three and a half hours back to Augusta.  I miss Josh and the boys and I can’t wait to see them.  It has been such a blessing to know that my sister-in-law has been sleeping in the guest bedroom and helping Josh with the boys since I’ve been gone, and of course my in-laws are just 15 minutes away.  They have taken care of everything at home and have taken a huge burden off my shoulders since I’ve been gone.

I have some great little stories to share from the airport and flights, but I’ll save those for tomorrow’s post.  🙂    For now, I’ll enjoy my last quiet, relaxing night with my relatives. 

~audrey in Arkansas

I hope you’re prepared for this.  You’re about to learn more about me than you ever wanted to know.

First, something serious….

…I called my mom just as they were leaving Papa’s nursing home this evening.  First they took him to the little chapel inside his nursing home and told him that Grandma had passed this morning, then they took him to the funeral home where he got to say his own good-bye’s to the woman he loved for more than 55 years.  Mom said the funeral home did an absolutely excellent job ‘making up’ my grandma.  Her make-up was flawless, her wig was beautifully set and combed just like Grandma used to wear it; she looked like the Grandma we always knew, nothing like what we saw this week.

I asked my mom how Papa took it.

“He wept.”, she said, “He cried and cried.”

I tried to keep it together over the phone, like I always do.  I don’t know why that is.  Why do I hate for people to see/hear me cry?  I used to cry all the time.  I suppose it could be because so many people depend on ME to be the strong one; the one with the plan; the one to give the ‘silver lining’.  I don’t know.  I think it’s a ‘first born’ thing.  Either way, I kept quiet as the hot tears streamed down my face for the hundredth time today.

Then she said, “It’s funny you should call. We were just talking about you, honey.”

“Oh?” I said, knowing that something was going to follow that statement.

And I was right.

“Yeah, I farted in the car and your dad almost drove off the road!  He said, “Good Lord woman, there’s only one person in the world whose farts smell that bad and that’s your daughter!”

HAHAHAHAHA!!!  That was the first time I’d laughed in a few days.  It felt good.

And Josh will be glad to know I come by that trait honestly.

Bless his heart!

I probably just blew any misconceptions you had about me–out the window!!   I hope it made you smile too.  🙂

~audrey

Surprisingly, I’m not very sore from yesterday’s workout.

I did indeed weigh-in this morning and the results pleased me:  205.5

Down 5.5 lbs. for the first week.  Not bad at all considering I made a few bad food choices throughout the week and only began exercising yesterday.

I’m hoping for another good loss next week since I’ll have a full seven days of working out under my belt.  I need to take my measurements as well so I have something besides pounds by which to measure my success.

On another note.  My grandmother passed away at 4:00am this morning.  She has been in kidney failure for over two years.  The doctors gave her weeks to live…two years ago.  She was a tough fighter.  She and my ‘Papa’ were married on New Year’s Eve, 55 years ago.  Papa is still alive and in a nursing home near my parents.  My Papa hasn’t been able to speak since having a major stroke two weeks before my wedding, eight years ago.  My heart breaks as I think of my parents delivering this devastating news to him this afternoon.  He’ll have no way to communicate what he’s feeling; except tears.  Throughout the last eight years, my grandma took good care of my Papa.  Even when they were separated into two different facilities in order to meet each of their medical needs, his eyes would light up when she would come to visit him.

When the stroke took his speech, he lost the ability to say anything clear enough to understand.  He would try to talk to you, but you simply couldn’t make out the words.

There was one exception;  every single time my Papa saw my Grandma, he would grab her hand, or put his hand on her leg and say,

“My Baby”

Nothing else came out right except for that one phrase, for that one special person.

Grandma took a turn for the worse on Tuesday.  Selfishly, I prayed she would make it through the night so I could see her on Wednesday and say my good-bye’s.  She did it.  She pulled through Tuesday night.  She was in agonal breathing, her blood pressure was around 60/30, and her chest was slowly filling with fluid.  She no longer had the ability to suck anything through a straw and if you put drops of fluid or medicine in her mouth with a spoon, she would choke because she was too weak to cough.

What I saw when I walked through the door of her room was not my grandma as I remember her.  She had but a few frail hairs left on her head.  She weighed a sickly 75 lbs.  She looked like a skeleton dressed in a thin layer of skin.  When we walked into her room, she looked me right in the eyes and whispered, “You scared me.”  I smiled and apologized.  I told her how much I loved her how glad I was that I was able to come and see her.  She never said another word.  She was fading fast.  I doubted she would make it through another night.

My brother was coming from North Carolina to see her on Thursday, praying she’d still be there.  Once again, she surprised us all and made it to Thursday.  My brother and dad went to see her in the nursing home on Thursday.  My dad decided to have her moved to Hospice House Thursday afternoon.  There, she would have one on one care and a large room with a pull-out sofa so someone could stay with her if they wanted to.  Once she arrived at Hospice House, her chest began filling with more fluid and her blood pressure continued to fall.  Within a few hours, she took her final breath.  Now, she is rejoicing in heaven with a new body, no diabetes, a head full of beautiful hair, and brand new kidneys.

I rejoice with you Grandma.

My grandma will be buried in Arkansas, where she and my Papa have cemetery plots, side by side.   My parents looked at plane tickets yesterday and couldn’t find a single flight for less than $800 per person.  Not knowing when she’d pass, they didn’t purchase their tickets.  This morning, my mom went online to the very same website and found a flight that wasn’t even listed yesterday.  There were two tickets remaining, side by side, round trip, for $180 per person.  Isn’t God so good?

Please pray for my parents and my Papa over the next several days.  Papa isn’t healthy enough to fly, so he’ll be alone while my parents go to Arkansas to bury my grandma.  My brother and I are unable to travel to Arkansas, so Josh and I have decided to take the boys and go see my brother and his wife in North Carolina tomorrow.

Have a blessed weekend.

~Shirleen’s granddaughter.

I suppose step one was deciding once and for all that I have to do something about my weight and then posting all of that nonsense for all the world to see.

For me, step two was moving my treadmill from the garage to the living room. Then, while I was at the grocery store today, I ran into a high school friend whose little girl is in kindergarten with Jesse. She, too, is exercising and losing weight and told me I HAD to get Jillian Michael’s “30-Day Shred” video. I found it for $9, bought it, and also bought two hand weights to get started. I’m so excited! My first goal with the treadmill is to use it for 30 minutes a day. I figure, even if I get two 15-minute walks/runs while watching cartoons with the kids, it will be a great start. After all, right now…I don’t get ANY exercise. In fact, I get winded after walking up a flight of stairs. It’s a pain in my back to bend over and pull a whole load of clothes out of the washing machine.

That is just absolutely ridiculous!

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in.  🙂

~audrey

Okay, I said I would post six goals for 2010 according to the categories that Dave Ramsey recommends, so here they are:

CAREER: As a foster parent, I hope to receive a new placement of children that we are able to help long-term. I’ve even considered checking out DFCS and seeing what it would take to be a foster parent for them, instead of the private agency we’re working with now, so we could have ONE foster child, rather than two or more. (our agency specializes in keeping siblings together, so they never see families with only one child. those cases are placed through other agencies.)

FINANCIAL: We are starting Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University at church this coming Sunday. We plan to be debt-free except for our mortgage within 24 months!

SPIRITUAL: I want to show my children what it looks like to have a servant’s heart. I also want to read my Bible more, both in my quiet time and as a family. I want to use Biblical perspective more regularly when disciplining and correcting my children. I’ve gone through seasons when I’ve been very consistent with Biblical correction, but lately, I’ve regressed back to raising my voice, spanking often, and sending them to their rooms without really getting on a heart level with them. That has to change.

INTELLECTUAL: I want to read more. I love to read, but I don’t make time for it as much as I should. I would like to keep a goal of finishing one book per month.

PHYSICAL: I would like to lose 50 lbs. this year. That is less than 1 lb. per week! That would be a slow steady loss and put me back in single digit sizes by Christmas! That is very realistic and attainable! Not only that, I want to be more active this year…on a regular basis.

FAMILY: Josh and I would really love to add another baby to our family this year. As strange as it sounds, the thought of pregnancy gives me a huge boost of motivation to lose weight and become active. I want to enjoy my next pregnancy; it could be my last. I love being pregnant, but it’s no fun when you’re 50 pounds overweight.

I also want to consciously enjoy my family more. I hope we can slow down and spend more quality time together. I want to be better ‘friends’ with my children, laugh with them more, and have more FUN with my husband. I’ve definitely taken life way too seriously in the last year and it’s time to loosen up!

2010 is going to be a fun and successful year!

What are your goals?

~audrey

The batteries in my scale died back in November.

I’m one of those people who weighs myself every single morning, even when I’m fat. I don’t even know why I do it anymore. The numbers are depressing and it hasn’t seemed to be enough to motivate me to make the numbers go down, so I don’t even know why I still OWN a scale!

However, there’s nothing quite like a picture of yourself, posted on FACEBOOK, to bring you back to reality—quick. I loved the shirt I was wearing on December 20, 2009. It was the morning of our Christmas program at church and I had gotten a new shirt and paired it with black pants and black boots…hoping to look as ‘not large’ as possible. Apparently the mirrors in my house LIED, because THIS is what everyone else saw:

Hence the title: “Holy” “Cow”!!

The saddest part is, this is what I looked like four short years ago…after already having had two children in sixteen months:

I was about 140 pounds in this picture. A comfortable size 6.

By the end of that year, I believe I had gotten up to about 155. It all went downhill from there. Josh was in school, we lived in a garage apartment at my in-laws’ while he finished school. I was nannying for a widower with two kids, 48 hours a week. We began trying to get pregnant again and it wasn’t happening. I think I just stopped caring. I was so focused on surviving during that time in our lives, I just didn’t pay attention anymore.

Believe me, there were plenty of people around me reminding me of my escalating weight. But for some reason, that just made me shut down even more. My mother would say something about my weight every single time I saw her. A lady at church actually gave me a hug and whispered, “Honey, how much more weight are you gonna gain?” Even my sweet husband would hint around about my increasing size; that probably hurt the most. But when you get to a point where losing a mere 20 lbs will no longer make a dent in your overall goal, it’s very depressing and you begin to feel hopeless.

Every season I was having to buy new clothes. First it was the transition out of the single digit sizes. Then I went from a 10 to a 12, and by the time I got pregnant with Owen in 2006, I weighed 182 lbs.

And now, two and a half years since having my last child, I’ve settled into a routine of bad habits and not taking care of ‘me’. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how I’ve gained so much weight and kept it on:

Too much of the wrong foods, eaten at the wrong times (late at night), mixed with no exercise, equals FAT.

It’s gotten to the point that I am terrified of seeing people from my past when I go to the grocery store or the mall. I literally get nauseous and begin to shake when I see that someone has posted a picture of me on Facebook, for fear that someone will see it that hasn’t seen me since I’ve gained so much weight.

So. Enough is enough. I’m ready. For real.

I’m doing this, once again, for accountability. Never in my life would I have imagined that I’d post that horrific picture of myself, along with my weight, for all the world to see. But really at this point, what difference does it make? I am what I am right now and I’m never going to change that by doing the same things I’ve been doing for the past few years. The time is now.

I replaced the batteries in my scale on December 31, 2009. I stepped up and read the results:

211.

Immediately, I began eating better and stopped eating after dinner. I’m drinking more water, and I’m hoping to move our treadmill out of the garage and into the LIVING ROOM for the next several weeks. I will start weighing in and posting a weekly update every Friday. Please pray for me. I want to be healthy. I want to set a good example for my children. I don’t want to fear my husband walking in on me while I’m changing clothes.

I have to do this.

~audrey

Jesse cried all the way to school this morning. He thought that he got to stay home and homeschool after Christmas break, so he was quite upset and disappointed when I told him he still has four and a half months left. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do next year. I may ‘pre-register’ both boys at Augusta Christian and pray about it over the summer. A lot of it will depend on whether or not we have another foster placement and what kind of flexibility we have at that point. Another big decision we’re praying about is the possibility of having another baby in 2010. I really haven’t had ‘baby fever’ in quite a while. Ashley had the twins and we were deeply involved in the process to become foster parents all of last year, so my mind never really went there. But now that everyone is having their babies and I was privileged to have Baby Girl for five weeks, I’m really wanting another baby. I can’t believe Owen is two and a half. He’s such a sweet and mellow kid. I know the boys would absolutely LOVE for me to have another baby and that makes me want to do it even more. We’ll see. If God gives us more foster children soon, then we may wait and see where that leads before trying to get pregnant. I’ll certainly keep you posted. 🙂

Today is a very exciting day for me. The first Monday of the new year. I have my lesson plans completed for this month and I plan to get my house back on the FlyLady schedule. I stripped the beds this morning, unloaded the dishwasher, and had my quiet time; all before 8:00am.

I’m still working on my goals for 2010, so I’ll post them when I finish the list.

Happy Monday!

~audrey