Results and Peace in the Unknown
I have to start off by saying that I love serving a God who IS into details. I know I say that all the time, but it is so comforting and sometimes hilarious to look back in hindsight and see God’s hand in every detail of certain situations. That said, God knew that I needed my little boys with me today. I arrived at the hospital and checked in at 9:40. I was told that my appointment was actually at 11am and the hospital reminder service had messed up and told me 9:40 so I’d probably have to wait a while. I was armed with snacks, drinks, school work, and books. The boys were unbelievable. Even Owen sat down in his own chair in the waiting room and looked out the window at all the passing cars and an occasional ambulance. Much to my surprise, we were called back within ten minutes. The boys sat on the floor (GROSS, I know!) next to the stroller as the nurse took my vitals and then put us in a room. The doctor came in within five minutes…so much for a long wait! 🙂 As the doctor opened the door, he looked around at all three of my children and said, “Um, do you want me to discuss this in front of the children?” WHAT?! First of all, what in the world am I supposed to do with them? Make them wait in the hall?? Or maybe the waiting room?? All I could get out was, “Yes, it’s fine.” Already, my mind was racing. Why would he ask such a question? Obviously the results were not inconclusive or normal. Joshua was sitting in a chair drawing a picture of the American Flag. Owen was in another chair with his blanket and a bag of goldfish. Jesse was sitting on my lap, and at that point, I couldn’t have let go of him if I wanted to. He was anchoring me to my chair; to all the things that were normal in my life for that instant.
The doctor looked at the little paper in his hand and simply said, “The results were highly atypical. I don’t know yet whether it is cancer, but we suggest you not take a chance. I’d like to schedule a consult for you with the surgeon on Friday. He will take out half of your thyroid; the half that has the large nodule on it. Then they will be able to tell whether or not the cells are malignant.”
Wow.
That’s it. I think I smiled and said, “Ok. Thank you. Can we go?” Within five minutes, we were on our way back to the parking deck. I called Josh and told him the news. Of course, he had lots of questions, none of which did I have any answers to. I will know more after I meet with the surgeon on Friday. To be perfectly honest, my biggest concern at this point is whether or not I have to stay in the hospital after surgery. Part of what makes me ME and allows me to function for everyone in my life, is my schedule. I stay busy and my days are planned down to the minute…ok, not really down to the minute, but you know what I mean. I need to keep my normalcy in order to keep my peace. Having my boys with me today allowed me to stay focused on ‘other things’. I didn’t have a chance to sit in the exam room by myself and ponder the “what ifs”. I didn’t have time to get scared or shed a tear. I was holding a sweet little four year old who depends on me for every meal, every hug, every question, and I chose to focus on those things.
Whatever the results, we can handle it. I have peace in the waiting and peace in the unknown. God has always given me peace. When my mother found a mass in her stomache, God gave me peace. When my grandfather had a stroke two weeks before my wedding, God gave me peace. When my dermatologist found the beginning stages of skin cancer on my TWENTY-FIVE year old arm last summer, God gave me peace. When Jesse (my four year old) went through a year and a half of surgeries, procedures, and testing for his immune deficiencies, God gave me peace. I have no fear and I will choose to rest in His peace. Your prayers are greatly appreciated and I’ll post more on Friday after my consult with the surgeon.
~audrey